Montecito Mama

The Nightmare

2011-05-24T22:17:00.000-07:00

In December of 2005, I became stuck in marshmallow fluff. Or so it seemed at the time. Grayson was engrossed in a movie, Rob was changing the oil in the car, and I was going to spend the afternoon embracing the holidays. I had constructed the perfect gift wrapping station for myself: a large square table in front of the couch, tape and scissors within arms reach, and "Holiday Inn" on the TV.

Art from the Heart

2011-03-17T15:53:00.000-07:00

The girls and I have discovered a wonderful multigenerational art/music class that meets once-a-month in a luxurious retirement complex around the corner from our house. It's super-mellow, non-competitive, fun and free. Residents and kids participate in the classes together; sharing paint brushes, peeling stickers, twirling with scarves, singing, holding hands and tickling bellies. We usually

Lucie and the Problem of Evil

2011-02-18T14:22:00.000-08:00

Lucie has suddenly started questioning things. And by things, I mean eternal things. It all started when she asked if I would read her a bedtime story from the Bible storybook. The book opens innocently enough with the story of creation. There are lions and tigers and bears, and naked people being created from dust. (At this point in the story you’d think questions would arise, but no, kids

Say This!

2011-02-18T13:46:00.000-08:00

Picture by Grayson (our 9 year-old) Last week we reached another one of those parenting milestones. At 27+ months of age, Violet said her first real words: "Mama! Me go!" Three little words so beautiful, so stunning and unexpected, they stopped me in my tracks. Even the other kids dropped their activities and ran out to verify that, yes, Violet had spoken. We hugged and touch-down-danced

Love is in the air

2010-08-21T22:11:00.001-07:00

I love weddings. Well, there is the cake, obviously. And a good excuse to get dressed up and indulge in an excess of family photographs. But a good thing gets a bazillion times better when my very own kids get to participate in the wedding party. There just isn't any greater parenting reward then to see them walking down the aisle, all spit-shined, tuckedin, fluffed up, triple combed and

Times, they are a changin'

2010-08-16T21:17:00.000-07:00

Our baby is a baby no more. At 21 months, Violet grows longer by the hour, stretching out that precious baby chub. We are down to one last luscious thigh roll. Her hair retains a natural baby mullet, but when I twist it into two piggy tails at the back of her head, that dimpled smile and those sweet round cheeks melt all resolve. Although she still isn't talking, a few words have started to

Punishment

2010-08-02T20:34:00.001-07:00

"Mommy, I'm trying hard to only think about punishing thoughts, but it is so boring and happy things keep getting in!"

Lucie (wailing): "Mommy, the kitty is on my bed and I can't get my beauty sleep!"

2010-02-23T07:30:00.001-08:00

Posted via email from montecitomomma's posterous

Tiger vs. Yo Gabba Gabba

2010-02-19T11:19:00.001-08:00

Watched "Yo Gabba Gabba" instead of the Tiger Wood's mea culpa. Parenting requires sacrifice.

Daddy Daughter Dance

2010-02-12T10:51:00.001-08:00

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a beautiful princess named Lucie ... Posted via email from montecitomomma's posterous

What Babies Bring

2010-02-09T13:56:00.001-08:00

A former English professor of mine has designed a wonderful collection of postcards called things like "Why We Read" or "Why Coffee is Important," and a colleague gave me this one today: WHAT BABIES BRING Late-night entertainment A new array of aromas Their own agendas A stuffed animal stampede A fresh look at family An excuse for earthiness Terrifying responsibility Gloating grandparents Smiles

Crawling for Health

2009-09-13T11:34:00.000-07:00

What if God was one of us?

2009-06-25T22:19:00.000-07:00

Last night, Lucie and I brought dinner to a church family whose grandfather had passed away recently. Lucie felt very sad that someone had died, but was happy to assist in the pasta making and even offered to make a second batch just in case anyone else should die. She even helped to deliver the meal, and this is the trail of her mind on the way there:"How did that man get to heaven? Did he walk

Conversations with a 2-Year-Old

2009-04-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

The kids and I walked off dinner tonight with a skateboard/tricycle/stroller ride through the neighborhood. I would've liked a little more cardio to the excursion, but then we would've missed conversations with strangers, a finger ouwy that is all better, and lots and lots of snails.Lucie: "Mom, can you hold my snails for me?"Mom: "No."Lucie: "It's okay. My will put them in my pocket. No one else

Cirque Eloize Nebbia

2009-04-19T19:13:00.000-07:00

Grayson and I saw back-to-back plays on Saturday. First it was "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves" with the entire Wagner clan, during which Lucie was compelled to yell at the stage, "No, Snow White! Don't eat the apple!" Then the boy and I saw Cirque Eloize Nebbia, sort of a Latin American Cirque de Soile. A hidden trampoline, corks raining from the ceiling, women on trampezes; it was

Yeah, right!

2009-04-14T20:34:00.000-07:00

Easter Vow

2009-04-13T22:58:00.000-07:00

I, Janice Wagner, do hereby resolve that holidays will no longer be fueled by sticky candy necklaces, fruity lollipop rings and sugar-filled straws. Those days are behind us. Chocolate is now an over-18-only activity.Heretofore, the fun of holidays will not be found in multiple trips to Kmart, baskets full of that grass stuff that always gets everywhere and is impossible to clean up, and

Fully Human, Fully Divine

2009-04-10T16:43:00.001-07:00

Lucie is sharing the Good News on this Good Friday. In her case, though, the news is a bit grim. "Jesus died," she says to strangers with a knowing grin. "He died, and then forgot about all of our stuff." Or so goes her version of the story.This religious fixation is carrying over into all aspects of her 2-year-old life, including arts and crafts. The picture above, she tells me, is of Jesus'

Bathroom Humor

2009-04-06T21:16:00.000-07:00

Bad news, people. Today was the worst day in Grayson's wiener's life. Or so he claims.I'm not worried. I'm confident that there are better days in store for said wiener.To be sure, I've learned my lesson that, when brushing peanut shells from the front side of his clothing, care must be taken in certain southern regions. Point taken. And he's learned not to be quite so enthusiastic when pulling

ABC/Teapot Mash Up

2009-02-12T20:25:00.000-08:00

Boogie Night

2009-01-10T22:19:00.000-08:00

Nanny Lauren was married this evening. The nuptials were celebrated with twilight toasts at the Maritime Museum, followed by dancing and merriment. Lucie couldn't stop gushing over Lauren's beautiful gown and the flowers in her hair. She sashayed around the dance floor and twirled her own frock, pausing long enough to do the worm and bust a couple of moves. Grayson was annoyed with all of the

A Very Merry Un-Birthday

2009-01-10T22:12:00.000-08:00

Lucie woke me up yesterday squealing with joy. "My so happy, Mommy!" she said. "Why?" I asked? "Because Grayson told to me that today is my birthday!" One child crying, the little boy genius laughing, and a mommy caught in the middle between admiration for a pretty brilliant scheme and hurt to see such joy crushed.

Letter from Santa's Elf

2008-12-19T08:21:00.001-08:00

Sibling Love

2008-12-19T08:09:00.000-08:00

You know its Christmas when ...

2008-12-11T12:55:00.000-08:00

... you find yourself screaming "Who lost Jesus' mommy?!? Whoever lost Jesus' mommy is getting a spanking!"Lucie, the primary suspect in the crime, remedied the situation by pairing up Joseph and the shepherd, which changes the nativity story altogether but also makes it so very California in 2008.

Welcome to the world. Now go home.

2008-12-11T12:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Lucie tried to put Violet in the kitchen trash can. She didn't get very far on the first attempt, but then ordered me to leave Violet in the road while I walked her into preschool.Is it normal for the middle child to turn homicidal?

Ho ho ho!

2008-12-09T13:03:00.000-08:00

All I Want For Christmas ...

2008-12-03T21:46:00.000-08:00

Grayson completed a fast and furious, but three page, wish list for Santa before the big visit this evening. The number one request, which nearly got him boo'd off the big guy's lap, is for a baby brother. In the event that is not going to happen (which it most definitely is not), he agreed to take an Elf. Preference is for an Elf that is good with math and can help him with homework.Lucie

This Little Piggy

2008-12-02T23:54:00.000-08:00

New Tactics for the War on Terror

2008-11-21T07:47:00.000-08:00

One of the pediatric dentists here in town is offering gold coins to children in exchange for each pound of their Halloween candy. The thought of this has been haunting Grayson. Children being forced to part with their precious trick-or-treat booty? Irrational!We are now 20-days post-Halloween and still talking about it. Out of the blue, he asked me in the car yesterday, "Mom, what do you think

Welcome to the world, Baby Girl

2008-11-18T16:45:00.000-08:00

The arrival of Violet Louise on November 5th completed our family!The name Violet was on our short list of naming possibilities, but rose to the top after Grayson's class recommended it blindly. Louise is the pet name my Grandpa Wright gave to me, and it makes me smile to hear people call my little daughter by the same.More favorite memories:The epidural paperwork asking if there was a chance

Rockin' Robbie!

2008-11-02T19:51:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, Robbie! And many more!!! Happy Birthday, Robbie!

A True Tale of Michael Phelps, a bumblebee, a witch and a banana

2008-11-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

Little Mommy

2008-10-29T19:24:00.000-07:00

The Wagner Four toured the maternity ward last night in anticipation of soon becoming the Wagner Five. Grayson was very somber, sticking to his mantra of "I can't believe you guys are having another Lucie." He appreciated looking at the handprints and matching names on the wall of NICU graduates, and even found a Jesus, whose miraculous birth must have been before the recent remodel as there was

Highlights from the Pumpkin Patch

2008-10-22T06:15:00.000-07:00

Stump

2008-10-21T15:17:00.000-07:00

I mentioned to Rob that the tree outside the kitchen window was in need of a trim.Note to self: Rob is not to be trusted with the children's haircuts.

Show of support? Or ridicule?

2008-10-18T13:24:00.001-07:00

I've heard of sympathy pains, but this is getting ridiculous ...

Laying Low

2008-10-17T09:49:00.000-07:00

Wagner #5 has gotten fed up with the cramped conditions and decided to leave the nest early.It started on Tuesday while watching "Wonder Pets" with Lucie and a sudden gush of blood. I can almost laugh now about Rob's initial reaction, walking in from the garage in response to my screaming and asking in confusion, as I stood in a puddle of blood, "What are you doing bleeding like that?" He

Let us not speak of this again

2008-09-24T19:02:00.000-07:00

Janice: Lucie, look at these tiny diapers! They are for the new baby!Lucie: For me? My want to wear dos tiny diapers.Janice: No, they are for the new brother or sister that is going to join our family.Lucie: Dat baby in your belly?Janice: Yep. Aren't they tiny?Lucie: There no baby in my belly. Put your baby in Oliver's belly (a schoolmate). Dat baby come tomorrow?Janice: No, not for a long

My Kids ROCK!

2008-09-24T18:41:00.000-07:00

Before Grayson was even born, Rob and I made a pact not to introduce him to music targeted at his age group. This fear of having the radio hijacked by the soundtrack to The Lion King was planted after riding in too many mini-vans with friends and having to yell out conversation over manic versions of Baby Beluga. If we had tried listening to something else, say NPR or even The Beatles, the kids

Goodbye Mills

2008-09-17T09:21:00.001-07:00

We've spent the last week saying goodbye to our dear friends, the Mills, who are headed off to Oregon to assume leadership of a church there. Those Corvallis women are going to have to step it up to compete with Kir's lipstick and high heeled chicness! While their friendship with us and between our kids is irreplaceable, Rob and I are holding out hope that any new friends will be closer to the 5-

First Day of Second Grade

2008-09-17T09:16:00.001-07:00

Fireworks Make Me Happy

2008-09-04T05:16:00.000-07:00

The City of Goleta celebrated Labor Day with the fireworks show they had planned for Fourth of July, but canceled due to the Gap Fire. Grayson loved cuddling on the blanket with friends and the USA tattoos that still adorn his face 3-days later. Lucie enjoyed the snacks (of course) but the fireworks, not so much. "Es a monster fowing scawey wocks dat pop," she screamed for 30-seconds before

What NOT to name the baby

2008-09-04T05:03:00.000-07:00

In our continuing struggle to come up with the perfect but not overused name for baby #3, the siblings have selected Ellabella for a girl. Which is preferable to the Coolio they have chosen for a brother.While we were thankful for any possibilities last week during a little pre-term labor scare, I'm glad to have a few more months to continue the search.

Es Scawey

2008-09-04T04:43:00.000-07:00

Although by no means a comprehensive list of the things that terrify our little Lulu, following is a sampling of the random fears which cause overload and eventual shut down. Of course, each scream just about breaks big brothers heart, preventing him from touching baby sister with "scawey" object more than, say, six or seven times."My no like .... dragonflies, lizards, trees with star-shaped

Lunch Safety Net

2008-08-30T21:33:00.000-07:00

With second grade in full swing, I thought I'd post these speedy and healthy fallback menus for stuffing the lunch boxes and getting out the door on time:MENU A: Turkey sandwich, applesauce, cereal barMENU B: Grilled cheese, trail mix, bananaMENU C: Soup, banana bread (or cheese and crackers), orange/appleMENU D: Hummus and pita, yogurt, strawberries/grapesMENU E: PB&J, string cheese, graham

Sunday Driver

2008-08-03T20:40:00.000-07:00

Rob and I enjoyed a little sunset cruise in the open air Porsche this evening, but the screams from the backseat dampened the mood a bit: "My no like dis wind!"

Baby Boy Turns 7

2008-08-03T17:04:00.000-07:00

Less Viva, More Fiesta

2008-08-03T16:43:00.000-07:00

One year later, and Lucie still doesn't care much for the confetti-laden fiesta eggs. Her brother, however, continues to delight in her terror. Some things never change.

A Midsummer Night's Dream

2008-07-25T20:07:00.000-07:00

Nine hours of Shakespeare in three days, and still thirsting for more. Images above were from the weekend finale, Midsummer Night's Dream, hilariously staged in the 60s and 80s. Comedy of Errors and Othello weren't bad either, but the 8:30pm start time required Starbucks fortification.

Hobart's Bluff

2008-07-25T19:52:00.001-07:00

The view from Hobart's Bluff, high atop the Pacific Crest Trail near Ashland, Oregon. (Pregnancy disclaimer.) You should have seen the dandelions -- they were the size of dinner plates!

Doggie Style

2008-07-25T19:23:00.001-07:00

I have the worst luck with dogs. There's the three or four who've tried to make our home their own. And failed.Most memorable is the time Rob drove me two hours to test drive a 65 Chevy pick-up truck, and while the men did the proverbial "kicking of the tires," the pooch owner did some territory marking of his own -- on my pant leg. Rob, who saw the offense take place, gave a gruff reprimand to

Yosemite

2008-07-24T21:47:00.000-07:00

Highlights from the Herrema family reunion in Yosemite ...(1) The view from Glacier Point.(2) Rocks that were just MADE for climbing up to Bridalveil Falls.(3) The talent show.(4) We saw deer; Lucie saw giraffes.(5) Noah's affection for Lucie's pink purse, and her evil revenge with his blankie.(6) Winning at Uno.(7) Brian's barbecue'd stirfry.(8) Grayson's countless pool tournaments.

Robin Hood

2008-07-15T14:52:00.000-07:00

I'm jealous of all the unique experiences that Grayson is having this summer in camps. Long jump, hula hoops, pogo sticks, basketball, soccer, and two weeks ago it was archery. Now he'd like a bow and arrow for his birthday. I fear too much for Lucie's safety to honor that request, but still think his 'hockey smile' is just about the cutest thing I've ever seen ...

Modified Fourth of July

2008-07-06T18:57:00.000-07:00

Since we had to be home by 4pm to avoid the road closures, Fourth of July activities this year were restricted to a morning parade and carnival in Montecito (where the air was a little bit cleaner), followed by a barbecue no-electricity-needed dinner with neighborhood friends.

Safe

2008-07-06T18:24:00.000-07:00

While they haven't sounded the all clear yet, we are certainly feeling a lot safer these past two days. Some of the evacuation orders have been downgraded, the sky is more gray than black, and the wall of ash has turned into a light dusting. Even the electricity spends more time on than off - although tonight we are barbecuing pizza due to the outage. Lucie laughed to see Rob mowing the lawn in a

And Baby Makes Five

2008-07-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

The news couldn't have been better: well developed spine and brain, strong heartbeat, ten fingers and toes. At 18+ weeks, Wagner baby #3 is thriving; kicking up a storm with long, thin legs and wide Wagner feet. Gender remains a surprise, although Grayson thinks it must be a boy since it is bald. Lucie has picked out names: "Pink Baby" or "Purple One."

The Long, Dark Night

2008-07-04T14:38:00.001-07:00

After meeting friends downtown for dinner, the family headed home last night for baths and bed. We were caught completely off-guard as we rounded the curve on the US-101 and saw a wall of flames so low on the ridge that it appeared to be in our own neighborhood. Not wanting to frighten the children, Rob and I just stared at each other. "This is not good," he said and stepped on the gas. The world

Goleta Gap Fire

2008-07-03T06:10:00.000-07:00

Most residents of Santa Barbara would say they live here as a "lifestyle choice." The options for outdoor activities are limitless and accessible all year long: hiking trails, bike paths, lawn bowling clubs, polo fields, sailing, Frisbee golf and, of course, the beach. Rare is the weekend that some community-wide event isn't being celebrated: Fiesta, Summer Solstice, Dog Parade, Whale Festival,

Wagner Cousins

2008-07-01T17:22:00.001-07:00

It is a rare occasion when the entire Wagner clan assembles, with more great-grandchildren being added to the photo opp at each gathering. I'm certainly doing my part to perpetuate the lineage!

Tea Party Massacre

2008-06-25T18:41:00.000-07:00

Lucie and I were dressed in our heels and long beaded necklaces for an afternoon tea party, when Grayson and his green army men decided to join us. "I hope you don't mind, Mom," he said. "But there may be a little bit of blood on the napkins."What would Miss Manners say about AK-47s at the table?

What Babies Bring

2008-06-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

A former English professor of mine has designed a wonderful collection of postcards called things like "Why We Read" or "Why Coffee is Important," and a colleague gave me this one today:WHAT BABIES BRINGLate-night entertainmentA new array of aromasTheir own agendasA stuffed animal stampedeA fresh look at familyAn excuse for earthinessTerrifying responsibilityGloating grandparentsSmiles from

The Best of Friends

2008-06-21T21:22:00.000-07:00

"The most exclusive clubs only have a couple members and they're very hard to find."- Carrie Bradshaw, Sex & the City

Ruby Slipper Cake

2008-06-18T21:11:00.000-07:00

Now you'll really be jealous of my friends. Tonight Karen searched the Internet for Ruby Slipper Cake recipes in order to surprise me with my favorite baked concoction at a pre-birthday celebration. I was both touched and delighted, and ate until another bite couldn't be managed.Ruby Slipper Cake(1) package yellow cake mix with pudding inside(1) cup sour cream1/2-cup water(2) eggs(1) 3 ounce box

The Replacements

2008-06-17T20:38:00.000-07:00

Parenting tip: Never send your babysitter to the pet store with funds for a replacement fish. Otherwise you too may find yourself the lucky owners of both a male and female guppy, and heaven knows we don't need any more breeders in this family.This is Mac (male) and Cheese (orange female), and so far each is exhibiting a healthy emotional outlook and amazing will to survive.

Funeral Fit For A Fish

2008-06-16T21:12:00.000-07:00

We lost a member of the family today. Harry the fish was under close supervision for suspicious behavior; his swimming and eating just lacked the usual joie de vive. Unfortunately, we discovered that a 24-hour hold (to use one of Rob's old ambulance terms) on a fish is a slippery matter, and the ordeal ended in tragedy. Harry Fish was discovered on the kitchen floor, not a flop or a flip left in

Father's Day 2008

2008-06-15T19:53:00.000-07:00

No one has better friends than I. As proof, our family was allowed to spend the weekend at the lake house of friends who knew that we needed some time away. Boy, was it ever just exactly what the doctor ordered. The filling of baskets at the old-time candy store, 14 games of Connect Four, two viewings of "Hairspray," a night at Timmy T's pizza parlor, splashing in the pool, long walks through the

Goodbye First-Grade!

2008-06-12T22:38:00.000-07:00

Our annual tradition of celebrating the last day of school with a beach bonfire continued with a more intimate, but no less great, group of friends. Grayson and Gage were anxious to compare missing body parts, throw rocks and build a driftwood fort. Lucie just came for the chocolate and to be waited on by her adoring fans, Avery and Kyelee. Although I think she may have bought Walker's eternal

Later Skater

2008-06-08T08:11:00.000-07:00

Grayson shreddin' it up at the Santa Barbara skate park.

All he wants for Christmas ...

2008-06-07T19:36:00.000-07:00

Toofless

2008-06-06T19:12:00.000-07:00

6:11 p.m. - Robbie gives Grayson's top loose tooth a tug. Tooth pops right out. The first one!6:12 p.m. - Grayson bleeds through a paper towel.6:15 p.m. - Grayson vomits on the kitchen floor.6:16 p.m. - Janice vomits in the backyard.2:23 a.m. - Grayson wakes the household up with celebratory high-fives; he found $5 under his pillow!2:35 a.m. - Grayson wakes the household up with his sobs; he

First Grade Camp-o-Rama

2008-06-02T20:07:00.000-07:00

Peanut Butter S'Mores1 Package Chocolate Wafers1 Package Marshmallows1 Jar Peanut ButterSpread peanut butter lightly on one side of chocolate wafer. Roast marshmallow over campfire, and then place on top of peanut buttered wafer. Place a second wafer on top and sandwich the goey mess together. Enjoy!

Oops

2008-05-29T13:39:00.001-07:00

Firsts

2008-05-29T12:22:00.000-07:00

Childhood is full of many firsts; first words, first steps, first visit to the ER ....Lucie fell out of a wagon at nursery school and somehow bit through her tongue on the landing. After a sleepless night and refusal to eat or drink anything (even the pink stuff), we relented and took her in. The doc decided that the risk of infection was too high for stitches, so we are relying on the power of

Lulu's Birthday Cha Cha Cha

2008-05-04T21:25:00.000-07:00

The demands for more make-up and "I do myself!" have been building for weeks, and today it became official; the terrific two's are here. Second birthday highlights include blowing out the candles with Avery and KyeKye and Brendan and Logan, dancing to "I'm a Little Teapot" while making tea for daddy in her fluffy pink party dress and pink Converse high tops, and falling asleep with a swaddled

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2008-05-02T09:06:00.000-07:00

31 cent scoop day at Baskin Robbins means ice cream for dinner! Hooray!

The Cougar's Den

2008-04-28T13:17:00.000-07:00

Save the date for Girl's Weekend 2018 - Highlights include Boniva Tartinis and Kegel breaks with my girlfriends since we were, like, 40.

Where's Lucie?

2008-04-26T14:51:00.000-07:00

When the house goes suddenly quiet and the parents are prompted to ask each other, "Where's Lucie?" the answer usually involves clean-up for projects underway; like the slathering up of G.I. Joe's with prescription diaper cremes or the potty training of dolls in the toilet.

Happy Birthday, dear Papa

2008-04-26T12:23:00.001-07:00

What a glorious day to honor my father-in-law, who turns 60 today! This is a man who would give my children his last dollar if he thought it would make them happy. He can barbecue like nobody's business, and McGuyver up anything with a roll of duct tape and a water bottle. He is the best combination of ferocious and kind and we love him very much!Trio serenade performed by Grayson, Kyelee and

Think Pink

2008-04-18T20:46:00.000-07:00

We've discovered a few things about Lucie now that she has unlocked the secret of speech.ONE: there is a song in her heart ALL DAY LONG.TWO: "Sasha," "Sushi," and "Shush up!" are good answers to a myriad of questions. And,THREE: the girl really loves pink. All her clothes and shoes and yogurts and sippy cups have to be pink. Luckily, her pink spectrum is vast enough to include magenta, red,

The World Through Grayson Eyes

2008-04-07T12:32:00.000-07:00

I've been traveling a lot for work lately, and on the last return home hadn't even put the car into park before Grayson burst through the door and flung his skinny arms around my neck. "I've missed you, my boy," I said. "I think you've grown while I was gone!" "Yep," he said proudly. "I go all the way to the bottom now."Grayson attended an Indiana Jones birthday party yesterday and brought home

Glad to be in the world with Anne Lamott

2008-04-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

I was in the sold-out crowd last Friday night as two of my favorite authors, Anne Lamott and Elizabeth Gilbert, spoke at UCLA. Highlights were Elizabeth Gilbert's funny and graceful opening talk about Anne, and then Anne's hilarious reading of "Ski Patrol" from her latest book "Grace (Eventually)," in which she falls off a chairlift and pretends to be fine.Anne Lamott's talk picked up the

Division of Labor

2008-04-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

I loved Cookie magazine's unbelievably objective and sooo not hostile point-value guide to help settle the question of which parent is really pulling more weight around the house:1. Clipping the kids' toenails: 5 points.2. Shopping for a child's birthday present: 5 points (not your own gender: add 5 points).3. Cleaning congealed toothpaste off the sink: 5 points.4. Reading a bedtime story: 5

Spring Break 08

2008-03-29T23:21:00.001-07:00

So this is Easter?

2008-03-29T22:28:00.001-07:00

Step 1: Take three very loud, clumsy, and excited children with poor motor skills and no sense of patience and balance them on formerly white dining room chairs.Step 2: Coat entire area surrounding children with absorbent materials.Step 3: Strip children of any fabric that has hopes of being worn in public again.Step 4: Place a carton of eggs in front of said children.Step 5: Remove crumpled eggs

King of the Wild Frontier

2008-03-29T22:04:00.000-07:00

Fed up with our teasing, Grayson moved out of the house last Saturday. He pitched a tent and staked his claim on the last bit of great American frontier (the backyard) with a pirate flag and a firm slamming shut of the zippers. His anger kept him company for the first 10-minutes, but his fury cooled and left him lonely and bored, so he came back in and packed some essentials for living off the

Waterboarding

2008-03-16T09:40:00.000-07:00

Saturday night, 8pm.A little glaring. Shouting. Some getting in the guy's face. A revelation that his fingerprints are all over the crime scene. Bright lights and psychological manipulation. And still the suspect continues his tirade of undecipherable babble.In one last attempt to elicit a confession from the perp, "Bad Cop" Wagner throws Geneva Convention treaties out the window.

Auntie Pam

2008-03-16T08:09:00.000-07:00

Every kid needs a grandma-wanna be like Auntie Pam, and Grayson is fortunate enough to have found this one. Together they are movie buddies, volleyball bench warmers, and hot dog aficionados. Wanna be a helicopter pilot when you are grown up? Go tell Auntie Pam! The woman has got ways to make your dreams come true. If only we could all have Auntie Pams of our own!

Happy Birthday, Dr. Seuss!

2008-03-16T07:27:00.001-07:00

In honor of Dr. Seuss' birthday, Grayson's teacher invited some surprise readers to pop by the classroom at various times throughout the day. First on the list? Yep, Rob and yours truly performing a moving duet of "Green Eggs and Ham." (Rob played the cranky guy, a role he was born for.)My return to the classroom left me a little mathematically confused: how can a 1 adult-to-19 student ratio

Honey-Do Helpers

2008-03-16T07:13:00.000-07:00

I can't understand why it takes Rob so long to complete a simple honey-do project like fixing the leaky kitchen sink ...

Admitting Defeat

2008-03-11T20:44:00.000-07:00

There have only been a few moments that really rocked my world; sleeping with my brand-new husband on my in-laws sofa bed the day after our honeymoon, the plus-sign appearing on the pee stick, holding Grayson's hand as the anesthesiologist counted him down from ten.Well, the short list grew by one today -- I bought a hot glue gun. I drive a minivan, and now I own a hot glue gun. When did I get

Things that don't suck

2008-03-05T13:29:00.001-08:00

On this day full of green snotty noses, phlegmy coughs and hours of Teletubbies, I'm denying my pessimistic tendencies and focusing on THINGS THAT DON'T SUCK:Cold cereal, TVs in the back of airplane seats, Swifer floor mops, my mom's twice baked potatoes, DVRs, Farmer's Markets, Netflix, Doritos, flip flops, my iPhone, the first half-hour of any Indiana Jones or James Bond movie, public libraries

Baby Beauty Secrets

2008-02-29T11:00:00.000-08:00

Lucie used the kitchen step stool to discover the can of non-stick cooking spray this morning. And, thinking it looked like hairspray, coated her head in it. Sure is soft and shiny, and more than a little bit slippery!

U2 3D. See it. Hear it. Feel it.

2008-02-26T20:11:00.000-08:00

U2 3D will make all of your rock star dreams come true. Wow! It brought back all of the emotions of being at the concert (and learning that baby Flannery was on her way!) and was artistic and beautiful. I'm goosebumps from head to toe and my mind is spinning. The energy is through the roof! I challenge you to not sing-a-long or stand and cheer at the end of each set. I'm gushing, I know, but Bono

Your Paso is Showing

2008-02-21T20:04:00.000-08:00

To celebrate the anniversary of Julie's 29th birthday, the mommies headed up to Paso Robles, where our skinny jeans and spikey heels had the natives slack jawed and staring like we were Paris Hilton. The weekend was filled with all things girly: wine tasting in the rolling hills, sleeping in, french toast dripping with butter and cinnamon, morning power walks through the cow pasture, a

12 Days in January

2008-01-29T11:05:00.000-08:00

These last 12 days in January, my lovely kids have brought to me:Twelve loads of laundry!Eleven sprints to the bathroomTen cartoon DVDsNine PopsiclesEight "Lean over the buckets!"Seven days of cryingSix bedding changesFive more loads of laundry!Four feverish foreheadsThree boxes of KleenexTwo runny nosesand a mommy who is dreaming of Tahiti ...

It's about a sunrise

2008-01-18T10:51:00.000-08:00

Our little friend Avery appeared in this music video for the Obama campaign. As she is not old enough to vote, she has not political leanings; she just loves to sing! She is the one with braids and a pink striped top.

Reflections on MLK

2008-01-17T09:22:00.000-08:00

I asked Grayson to share with me what he knew about Martin Luther King, Jr."Martin Luther King, Jr. was really nice. He didn't want to fight or have wars or anything. He just wanted to be nice. But there were ghosts who didn't like him, and they didn't want him to have a parade. But he had a parade anyways, which was the right thing to do, just like when that lady, Rosa Parks, do you know her?

Goodbye, Germina

2008-01-17T09:12:00.000-08:00

January 11th marked a sad day in Santa Barbara. Germina, the famous giraffe with the crooked neck, has died. Zookeepers reportedly euthanized their star attraction after she stopped eating for two days. At 21 years old, they suspect she was suffering from "old age." Moral of the story? Don't turn down that hot dog when visiting the zoo.

Keeping Up with the Jones'

2008-01-12T07:40:00.000-08:00

It took us nearly 4-weeks to figure out trash day when we first moved into this house. By week three we were stalking for curbside trash cans like big game hunters in the African savannah. And still, our prey alluded us. "Where have all the trash cans gone? And isn't that a Paula Cole song from the 90's," we asked in our confusion? Eventually the trash pile began to lean against the house and